Father’s Day When Your Relationship with Your Dad Is and Was Complicated
Father’s Day lands differently depending on the dad you had. For some people, it is a day to celebrate. For others, it brings up something heavier and harder to name. If you find yourself dreading the holiday, scrolling past the social media posts, or feeling guilty for not feeling what you think you are supposed to feel, you are not alone.
A few things worth knowing before the day arrives:
- Mixed feelings are normal. You can love someone and still grieve what they were not
- You do not owe anyone a performance of closeness you do not feel
- Grief shows up for absent fathers, distant fathers, deceased fathers, and fathers who are still around but were never really there
- You are allowed to opt out of the day without explaining yourself
Grief’s Role During Father’s Day and Beyond
Grief is not reserved for death. People grieve relationships that never became what they needed. They grieve fathers who were physically present but emotionally checked out. They grieve fathers who were harsh, addicted, controlling, or unsafe. They grieve the version of a dad they hoped for and never got.
This kind of grief is often called disenfranchised grief, meaning loss that does not get recognized or validated by the people around you. Other people see your dad on Sunday and beyond. They do not see what it cost you to grow up with him, or without him. So, the grief stays private, and private grief gets heavy.
Tips On Father’s Day and More
Name what you are actually grieving. Not the person exactly, but what you needed from him that you did not get. Safety, attention, protection, warmth, steadiness. Putting words to it tends to soften it.
Decide ahead of time how you want to spend the day. Skip the calls if you need to. Plan something that has nothing to do with fatherhood. Spend time with someone who has shown up for you the way he did not. Try this approach on other days as well, not just the Father’s Day holiday.
Notice the urge to minimize. If you catch yourself saying it was not that bad or that other people had it worse, that is usually grief trying to disguise itself as perspective.
If Father’s Day has been hard for years and you have never really looked at why, that pattern is worth examining. Grief that gets buried does not go away. It just finds other ways to show up.
You do not have to do this alone. Contact Silicon Valley Therapy today and we will alongside of you in this process.
content by Nick Sanchez, LMFT