Ideas for communication and de-escalation
By Silicon Valley Marriage and Relationship Therapy
Couples fighting happens. Arguing is good. It means you care. You have an opinion. You have ideas. Famous relationship researcher and therapist, John Gottman agrees. He found that out of his 800 couples studied, the relationships that lasted the longest had arguments, bickering but did not escalate further.
Here are some more tips to help during a relationship conflict:
- Set the tone- Mirror the body language and tone of voice you want from your partner. If you don’t want your spouse to yell, refuse to mirror that.
- Time Limits – If you and your partner argue a lot, set limits to avoid any painful escalation. 20 min to 1 hour is recommended.
- Use “White Flags”- White flag means, cease. Go to separate areas in the home and de-escalate (see De-escalation tips below). This is not an excuse to leave the house or storm off somewhere. Use 10-20 minutes to calm and then re-address that day if possible.
- Listen actively, do not listen to respond- It is better to pause, consume, process and respond. Be cautious of listening for 30 seconds and focusing solely on your rebuttal.
- Use Empathy- ‘Hurt people, hurt people.’ If you are being attacked verbally, it is because your partner feels a lot of pain. Try to place yourself in their situation, speak to their pain, and set limits to how you will be treated.
- 100/100- A healthy relationship isn’t 50/50. Two halves never make a whole in a relationship just like 2 dead car batteries won’t start a car. What I mean by this, is sometimes one or both individuals need to work on themselves in individual counseling so they are bringing their best self into the partnership.
- Keep the bubble sacred-The bubble is your relationship. Be careful who you bring into it. A confidential, private counseling session can be the healthy boundary you set within your relationship. This allows your family, in-laws, friends and even children to maintain their relationships with you without you pulling them into your partner conflicts.
Accepting arguments, conflict and anger in a relationship can be a good thing. The trick is not to escalate further into name calling, verbal abuse or even physical abuse. Read below some ideas to slow down:
Tips for Deescalating Couples Fighting
- Slow Your Survival – Most research shows you need at least 20 minutes to calm your survival system down. Watch for extremes in taking breaks (e.g. 5 min or 5 hours).
- Melt It! – Hold a piece of ice until it melts. Not only will the cold temperature distract you from your intense feelings, it will also keep you in the here and now.
- Write or Meditate – We often are more honest with ourselves when we write then when we talk. Use YouTube and find a visual/audio meditation to calm your intense energy.
- Employ your Senses – One of my favorites is to count down: 5 things I see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I smell and 1 thing I taste.
- Diaphragm Breathing – Easier said then done, but if you have agreed to take a break use this time to breathe. It is recommended to breathe out more than you breathe in (e.g. 4-5 inhale vs 5-6 exhale).
If you and your partner need additional support and guidance, contact Silicon Valley Therapy. We have offices and couple’s therapists in Los Gatos near San Jose, CA. Call today (408) 990-2827 or complete our quick and easy contact form here.
add’l information provided by:
David A. Morris, LCSW
Maegan Dougherty, LPC
